Worst Movies Ever?

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Jusenkyo no Pikachu
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Fri Nov 11, 2005 1:40 am

The Challenge

The Devil has a name. And it's Olsen.

THose twins are different things to different people. To their target audience, they are the best thing since sliced bread. To everyone else, they are insipid, non-acting human Barbie dolls who have an inexplicable following.

This following has accomplished a few things: many years on Full House (in the shared role of Michelle Tanner), a neverending slew of crappy DTV movies (and a couple of DTV series: The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley and You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's), two further TV series (Two of a Kind and So Little Time), two theatrical movies (both of which are at least better than their usual crap), a cartoon and a series of books based on some of their shows. How So Little Time was popular enough to warrant a book series is beyond me. They also have a clothing line and have been in charge of their own production company (Dualstar) since they turned 18.

At least they're easy to tell apart on screen--Mary-Kate plays the laid-back and somewhat vulgar one, while Ashley usually plays the stuck-up perfectionist.

Here, they star in a film about a reality show set in Mexico. Like Survivor, they compete in a series of challenges. Unlike Survivor, they don't vote people off. Instead, they compete for seven totems, and the winning team members (two teams of four members each) each get scholarships to the college of their choice. I'm still trying to figure out how that works. The twins are placed on the same team. Not only that, but the big bad girl on the other team is a bitch. So you can quite easily guess which team wins. Of course, the host is the most shameful thing to be brought down on Survivor since Jeff Probst's nude picture, one of the team members is a bit of a mole, and there are precisely two forbidden romantic entanglements. Are there any other Bad Movie Kisses of Death foisted upon this pic? Yes. One twin mentions Tarantino, Shakespeare in Love, Casablanca, Gone With the Wind and When Harry Met Sally. Because we all know that a crappy movie reminding us of movies that are invariably better than it makes it look cultured. Besides that, it'll just lead to kids getting bored before Clark Gable says his famous line.

The twins here are as insipid as ever, especially since by now they're really just going through the motions. Just once, I'd like to see them in a role that gives them something to do other than playing to type (or playing to the other twin's type and screwing it up).

The worst part, however, is not this movie reminding us of Rhett Butler. It's the closing five minutes, when suddenly, a bunch of actors from every Olsen Twins movie since Passport to Paris appear and refer to the twins (who, at this point, are indistinguishable) by their real names. Including that guy who was a regular on So Little Time. Not that I've ever seen more than two episodes of that show. Then, as this was made for the Twins' 19th birthday, we get some clips from their previous tools for torture--excluding Full House, but I think it includes To Grandmother's House We Go. And anyone who has not seen more than one since Billboard Dad is going to be at a loss. Oh, and then there are outtakes that run the entire length of the credits.
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Post by Kasumi » Fri Dec 30, 2005 5:03 pm

Okay, number one: Blair Witch Project. Yes the first one, the second was okay, but they could've made more out of it...
I couldn't stand that horrid screaming of that girl... really, all she did in that crappy movie (which even wasn't spectacular to begin with and quite boring) was screaming her lungs out. The idea of this movie had potential, but they ruined it because of terrible acting and the missing suspense.

Number two: Sex Academy. I really shouldn't have watched it, but I was curious how crappy this title would be since the movie title seemed to be "promising" XD (I know, curiosity killed the cat) And it really DID disappoint me...it didn't even have a real plot and the acting couldn't have been worse. So much to that one!

Titanic: The actors weren't good and the ending... I'm sorry, morionettes/dolls in the water? It^s an old one, but come on!!

The Faculty: The plot was just horrendous and the acting terrible if I remember correctly. I'm remembering cringing throughout this film.

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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Wed Jan 11, 2006 9:17 am

The Pirate Movie[/i]

Australia's locations...Gilbert and Sullivan...and the guy who directed The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking. Well, two out of three ain't bad. Unfortunately, the third part kills it.

The movie is about a girl named Mabel. At a pirate exhibit, she is selected to fence this hot guy, and her "friends" promptly steal him from her. While windsurfing and trying to find him, she falls off the board, is washed ashore and promptly starts dreaming that she's in some sort of modernized version of The Pirates of Penzance. In this version, Frederic laments that he wants love. The maidens beat Frederic to the location, Ruth actually appears to stay with the pirates, and it all turns out well and good at the end, with people getting married left right and centre. Some G&S tunes do survive, but in vastly gutted forms, and the whole part about Major-General Stanley playing the orphan card has been excised in favour of a plot involving family jewels. It's nowhere near as interesting as the real deal. And not even the dream angle of the story can excuse the irritating 80s speak and contemporary references--it includes memorable dialogue such as:

PIRATE KING: *sees Mabel* Nymph!...Nymphet
MABEL: Nympho.

and:

MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY: *singing* My military knowledge, though it's plucky and adventury/Embraces M*A*S*H and Star Wars and the 22nd Century

What's even worse is that director Ken Annakin has filled it with contemporary pop music. I'll admit that some 80s music has been good, but definitely not so in a Ken Annakin movie. The music is insipid here.

In short, if you want to see an Aussie version of The Pirates of Penzance go instead for the 1993 stage version with Jon English (and his purple pants). It's available on DVD, but, unfortunately, probably not viewable in America.
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:21 am

KoiNoVash wrote:The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
Oddly enough, I saw this movie once more after my last post...and I kinda enjoyed it. No, I do not like Britney at all. I think she deserved what she got.

For some thread necromancy, I give you...

The Incredibly True Adventure of 2 Girls In Love
Laurel Holloman (better known as Tina Kennard from The L Word) is a working-class lesbian named Randy. Randy spends her days making out with a married woman when she's not going to school. Then along comes Evie (Nicole Ari Parker), a rich black girl who has heretofore identified as straight. They rapidly fall in love, have sex, get kicked out of Evie's mother's place and basically go off to be together. No, that's not me spoiling the entire plot--there are a few more intricacies I'll leave untouched and if you've seen D.E.B.S. or Imagine Me & You, you'll know what happens here. The dialogue is worse than a classic episode of Degrassi (although to be fair I quite enjoy the movie Go Fish and the Beebo Brinker books, both of which have awful dialogue) and it's really nothing I haven't seen before. Well, except for Parker. I haven't seen her in much else.
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"Hey, Aphrodisia!"
--unaired Buffy pilot

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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:02 am

Space-Thing
It's the movie so low-budget they couldn't even afford to superimpose the opening credits! What do they do instead? Some guy paints them on a naked woman!

It's also the movie so abominable that none of the cast went by their real names! As a result, we get such gems as "April Playmate" (Carla Peterson), "Mercy Mee" (Merci Montello, who is the aforementioned credits woman), "Steve Stunning" (Steve Vincent) and my personal favourite, "Ronnie Runningboard" (Dan Martin, then an LA sherriff). I realise that this is a pretty common practice in porn nowadays (you really think that Tawnee and Tori Stone are sisters?), but really, Ronnie Runningboard?

The story, such as it is in bad sexploitation (where the plot is worse than your average porn movie), concerns some guy named Jim Granilla who reads science fiction while his wife decides she can't...go it alone, so to speak. So, after she manages to pry him away from the stupid book for a bout of....kissing his REALLY hairy torso...he goes straight back to the book. And he imagines himself as the captain of a badly-lit Starship Enterprise NCC-1701 model kit, who happens to be a member of a race of thick-lined cartoon aliens (the "Planetarians"). His ship's been crippled, so he turns to a bunch of naked humanoid ("Terranians") women and bare-chested men on a model ship from The Invaders, none of whom are particularly attractive. For some reason, though, the captain is a lesbian who likes to wield a whip that's been dipped in red paint.

Real word of warning to those seeking release: you won't find it in this movie. This was made years before Behind the Green Door, and no, the men do not doff their undies. Of course, given the array of naked bodies actually on display, that's not really a bad thing. Nothing in the movie is remotely sexy--in fact, it's all rather boring (and it's not even campy--it has negative 9 on Barbarella). There is little plot beyond what I described above (OK, there's a bit about an asteroid with atmosphere and vegetation, and the thing definitely does end), the sets extend to wooden fakery and overturned plastic rubbish bins, while the script (written by someone named Cosmo Politan--even cameraman Sy Klops isn't credited by his real name) fails to turn up any memorable lines aside from some supposedly "lesboriffic" lines from the captain.

I claim this to be the absolute bottom of the barrel. It probably shouldn't even be mentioned in the same review as the barrel, in fact. The DVD is released through Something Weird Video, and contains a commentary from the producer as well as a couple of really neat shorts: Roll-Oh the Robot and The Dance of Tomorrow. Movie not recommended, but the rest of the DVD is. It's
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Post by AnimatedEvey12 » Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:11 pm

Coyote Ugly for me. The story didn't appeal to be and I nearly fell asleep when I first saw it at 9 because my dumbass brother wanted to see it and I would have rather watched Godzilla 2000 at the time. So then a few years later, I tried watching it again on TV but I turned it off. Still doesn't appeal to me. Godzilla 2000 was also bad because of the poor dubbing.

Shrek 2 and Shrek The Third- I think Shrek should have just stayed as one movie. It started going downhill with the non stop pop culture references in Shrek 2 and then it just crashed and burned when Shrek The Third came out because it wasn't funny to me.
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Post by demoneyeskyo87 » Sun Nov 02, 2008 4:09 am

"Mamma Mia"....it had everything a kitsch-film plot generator would have:

Greece. A pretty girl who is getting married, needs to figure out which man is the father. May include too many weird dancing and poses that looked like "Copacabana" on crack then sprinkle in some bad Pierce Brosnan singing skills(if you can call it that).

All I wanted to do was scratch my eyes out...:shock:

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Post by Tiff » Sun Nov 02, 2008 12:38 pm

The Haunting of Molly Hartley.

Cheap scare tactics with a plot and ending that made little to no sense. Horrible.

Joey: The question is, Rachel, does he like you? ''Cuz if he doesn''t, then it''s all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh...a...moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It''''s like a cow''s opinion. It doesn''t matter....It''s moo.
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Sat Jan 10, 2009 9:12 am

Bratz Rock Angelz

Three years ago, I had this to say about Bratz The Video: Starrin and Stylin:
I rented this too, thank God. I would have bought it, but even I have my limits when it comes to bimbodom. At least Barbie gets the more interesting stories (even if they do mangle the classics).
That was in the good old days. Then came the advent of me owning a portable DVD player. And, freed up by the very idea of not having to sneak around watching embarrassing stuff (and otherwise hampered by the lack of a driver's license and the closure of the nearest video library), I went looking for something Boothable. I decided on buying a two-disc set of the first two Bratz movies.

Rock Angelz is the second movie, but the first in the real canon (Starrin & Stylin is, apparently, set to vanish into Barbie and the Rockers-world). The story starts with Jade getting an internship to Your Thing magazine. Unfortunately, the magazine is run by the ridiculously vain Burdine Maxwell and her henchgirls Kirstee and Kaycee (the "tweevils"--the name being a portmanteau of "twin" and "evil"), all of whom share a ridiculous obsession with the colour pink.

Jade, being the Andrea Sachs of the teen set, manages to get herself fired in one day, but not before picking up some "rocking" invites to all the cool parties, which Burdine discards. In response, the Bratz start up a magazine of their own, using the invites Burdine discarded as sources for their scoops. Meaning that they're jetted off to London to cover the opening of the "slammin" new dance club, Pins.

While in London, Cloe becomes smitten with a duke she somehow managed to meet on a private jet, forcing Yasmin to cover all her stories. Meanwhile, Jade and Sasha fall out over Sasha's having planned everything to the last detail.

In addition to all that, Burdine regrets having discarded the invite, and follows the Bratz to London, with the intention of stealing the scoop. Fortunately, the girls run into America Rocks judge Byron Powell. Which gets me thinking: Does he also judge Pop Rocks? Anyway, Byron lets them in, and gives them backstage passes to a benefit concert. Which Burdine promptly steals, forcing the girls to form a band and rehearse a set in just under four hours.

It all turns out well in the end, and the Bratz make a new friend in Roxxy.

Hopefully, that will discourage you from making the same mistake I did. That mistake also has the unfortunate side effect of making the Bratz live-action movie watchable.
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Post by Sailormars Obsessed fan » Sat Jan 10, 2009 11:06 am

demoneyeskyo87 wrote:"Mamma Mia"....it had everything a kitsch-film plot generator would have:

Greece. A pretty girl who is getting married, needs to figure out which man is the father. May include too many weird dancing and poses that looked like "Copacabana" on crack then sprinkle in some bad Pierce Brosnan singing skills(if you can call it that).

All I wanted to do was scratch my eyes out...:shock:
Thank you Thank you. I just had to suffer through that piece of crap last night.

Im sorry but I hate musicals as a general rule, but even leaving that aside this movie was so predictable I could almost quote the lines having not seen it.
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:45 am

I just sat through Disaster Movie. What an apt title that was.

The movie, for those who haven't seen it, concerns some generic nice guy named Will who, I suppose, is supposed to be a vague parody of Rob from Cloverfield. As the movie opens, he's dreaming that he is in 10,001 BC, where he is forced into a round of the Gladiators challenge "Duel". After this, he is informed by a sabertoothed Amy Winehouse that the world will end on August 28th unless the Crystal Skull is replaced. Why this is revealed now is a mystery, and the movie never bothers to actually focus on having a plot at any point.

Instead, we get an aimless, generic parody of some monsterless version of Cloverfield, with Will's girlfriend Amy playing the part of Beth, some random girl named Lisa instead of Lily, some black guy named Calvin instead of Hud (who at no point carries any sort of camera), and a Juno parody instead of Marlena. These guys all wander from one lame movie trailer parody to the next, picking up a parody of Giselle (who in this case is a sewer-dwelling drug-addicted whore who eats glass). They also run into parodies of Hannah Montana (who, with her dying breaths, implores her fans to buy her stuff and watch her concerts, before finally revealing she is Miley Cyrus, plotting to get paid double for her dual Disney role....if that makes any sense at all) and various other non-Disney celebs. And, because Friedberg and Seltzer have the combined attention span of a gnat, none of these parodies go anywhere. And the paper-thin budget shines through--a disturbing parody of Alvin and the Chipmunks shows the chipmunks to be rabid cheapjack animatronic puppets. Eventually, the Crystal Skull plot is pulled out from...under a girl's dress, and the movie ends on an unfunny parody of "I'm Fucking Matt Damon", where every single pop culture reference appears to be cheating on each other. That joke was old when the movie hit cinemas.

Also, the filmmakers seem to think that "tasteless" equals "funny". Thus, we get two characters whose faces get covered in shit (one has it magically disappear), a princess who is the recipient of broken glass at two different points (it's horrifying both times) and numerous jokes about things that will most surely lead to "Juney" miscarrying (neither she nor the baby survive the movie).

So yeah....that title was a very apt description.
"That new girl? She seems kinda weird to me. And what kind of name is Buffy anyway?"
"Hey, Aphrodisia!"
--unaired Buffy pilot

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Post by sailorperkytoot123 » Fri Jan 23, 2009 7:11 pm

Jusenkyo no Pikachu wrote:I just sat through Disaster Movie. What an apt title that was.

The movie, for those who haven't seen it, concerns some generic nice guy named Will who, I suppose, is supposed to be a vague parody of Rob from Cloverfield. As the movie opens, he's dreaming that he is in 10,001 BC, where he is forced into a round of the Gladiators challenge "Duel". After this, he is informed by a sabertoothed Amy Winehouse that the world will end on August 28th unless the Crystal Skull is replaced. Why this is revealed now is a mystery, and the movie never bothers to actually focus on having a plot at any point.

Instead, we get an aimless, generic parody of some monsterless version of Cloverfield, with Will's girlfriend Amy playing the part of Beth, some random girl named Lisa instead of Lily, some black guy named Calvin instead of Hud (who at no point carries any sort of camera), and a Juno parody instead of Marlena. These guys all wander from one lame movie trailer parody to the next, picking up a parody of Giselle (who in this case is a sewer-dwelling drug-addicted whore who eats glass). They also run into parodies of Hannah Montana (who, with her dying breaths, implores her fans to buy her stuff and watch her concerts, before finally revealing she is Miley Cyrus, plotting to get paid double for her dual Disney role....if that makes any sense at all) and various other non-Disney celebs. And, because Friedberg and Seltzer have the combined attention span of a gnat, none of these parodies go anywhere. And the paper-thin budget shines through--a disturbing parody of Alvin and the Chipmunks shows the chipmunks to be rabid cheapjack animatronic puppets. Eventually, the Crystal Skull plot is pulled out from...under a girl's dress, and the movie ends on an unfunny parody of "I'm Fucking Matt Damon", where every single pop culture reference appears to be cheating on each other. That joke was old when the movie hit cinemas.

Also, the filmmakers seem to think that "tasteless" equals "funny". Thus, we get two characters whose faces get covered in shit (one has it magically disappear), a princess who is the recipient of broken glass at two different points (it's horrifying both times) and numerous jokes about things that will most surely lead to "Juney" miscarrying (neither she nor the baby survive the movie).

So yeah....that title was a very apt description.
I completely agree with you. I personally could not stand that neverending High School Musical parody song near the beginning. I will admit though I thought the Juno girl was mildly amusing. The only scene I somewhat laughed at was the dance-off. My friends and I just thought it was so stupid, that it was actually funny to us. Especially when the princess is scared by her sleeves. I couldn't help but laugh at the sheer stupidity.

@demoneyeskyo87 - I had to sit through Mama Mia on Christmas at my cousins house and I was praying for god to take me then and there. All that movie seemed to do was glorify middle-aged women, and yes, Pierce Brosnan had no right trying to sing.

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