Worst Movies Ever?

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Worst Movies Ever?

Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Thu Jun 17, 2004 11:44 am

Ok guys, this is a thread for all those crap films that plague the shelves at Blockbuster which my dad has been known to rent just because they list Mark Hamill on the front.

LASERHAWK
This is the one mentioned above. Unfortunately, Dad completely missed the fact that the movie stars Jason James Richter, who was only really at home with his whale and harmonica. Richter plays a teen prankster named Zach who turns out to be a 250 million year old alien reincarnated into human form. He meets Cara (Melissa Galianos from Radio Active), another such alien, and MK Ultra (Gordon Currie), a cartoonist who was inspired by a guy named Bob Sheridan (Hamill). Bob does appear, but it's only for a short time and he's almost completely useless anyway. Turns out that Zach, Cara and Bob are there to fight off aliens who harvest humans. When the movie rips off not only alien abduction films but also Star Wars, you know you're in for quite the test of your ability to endure confusion.

TIMELOCK
Unfortunately, my father bought this one (you'd want to too after seeing how Scottish video libraries work). Sadly, this could have been good, but no, the director used every chance he could to NFBSK it all up. The title, incidentally, has nothing to do with the movie, which is about master criminals freeing their most feared colleague from a future Alcatraz. And OK...they've freed him. Now what? The movie's special effects are about as good as those from Blakes 7, but I've just insulted the Liberator and her crew right there. No coherence in the story, no real reason as to why the male and female leads should fall in love, little to no taste several Star Wars ripoffs and a final scene that should not be there.

[spoiler]I mean, come on. Not only did Riley plant the three charges on Villum, but he also sent the guy falling to his doom in sub-zero temperatures. There is no way he could have shown up at the end to catch our two heroes in the sack.[/spoiler]

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE
How could I not mention this here? Basically, a couple take their daughter on a trip, only to take a detour to a place that is looked after by some guy named Torgo while the Master is away. The Master turns out to not only be the leader of a pseudo-Satanic cult that worships the almighty god Manos, but also a secret admirer of Frank Zappa. The only good things this movie has are a twist ending where

[spoiler]Michael replaces Torgo as the caretaker, while the Master takes Margaret and Debbie to be his wives. Considering Debbie's age, it's a safe bet to say that the Master's taste in women disturbs me[/spoiler]

and Torgo. Ya gotta like Torgo.
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Post by RoastedTwinkies » Thu Jun 17, 2004 11:55 am

I'd have to say that the Blair Witch movies were some of the worst ones ever. Though, I thought the second one was much better than the first.

The first one bored me so much. I just thought it was so lame and I didn't find it to be scary at all. OMG, there's rock piles around our camp that weren't there before! OMG, what should we do? OMG, somebody save us all!

Yes, those movies are old, but I just wanted to rant about them.

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Post by Artemis » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:59 pm

Probably my least favorite movie was Bring it On. I mean, seriously, a movie all about cheerleaders? -__- I thought it was incredibly stupid.
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Post by jupiter23 » Thu Jun 17, 2004 1:31 pm

RoastedTwinkies wrote:I'd have to say that the Blair Witch movies were some of the worst ones ever. Though, I thought the second one was much better than the first.

The first one bored me so much. I just thought it was so lame and I didn't find it to be scary at all. OMG, there's rock piles around our camp that weren't there before! OMG, what should we do? OMG, somebody save us all!
I personally thought the first Blair Witch movie was pretty entertaining, and was more funny than it was scary. I have not seen the second one, but if I ever get incredibly bored, I might rent it.

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Post by Rindesayu » Thu Jun 17, 2004 1:45 pm

Blair Witch 2 sucked really hard, IMO. I wasn't scared at all. Most of it was comprised of just a bunch of pointless nudity and sex.

The original movie was at least slightly creepy and felt very real (since it was made to look like an actual documentary), though I'll admit that neither movies are masterpieces beyond any stretch of the imagination.

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Post by jupiter23 » Thu Jun 17, 2004 2:43 pm

Was Blair Witch not originally made as an independent film? Or am I mistaken?

A friend of mine back in High School said the first Blair Witch movie was completely ad-libbed. They had written directions on paper and taped them to the trees at angles where they would not be seen. The directions said nothing more than what was happening in the scene and how they had to act. This is what my friend said, and I don't know if that is correct.

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Post by Sailorasteroid » Thu Jun 17, 2004 3:04 pm

"Manos" gets a bad rap because of the skewering it got on Mystery Science Theater, but really, it's no worse than any of the other Z-movies they showed. The production values and the acting were horrible, but the screenplay still had the basic structure of a movie. Hand the concept to someone like Alfred Hitchcock and give him a budget and you might be able to make a decent horror movie out of "Manos".

Among the MST fare, the worst ones IMO were Beast of Yucca Flats and Monster-a-go-go. Beast because of the completely overdubbed soundtrack and lack of any kind of plot, (it's too bad, because Coleman Francis's other ones aren't that bad. I *liked* The Skydivers.) and Monster-a-go-go because of the horrible ending. They might as well have put up a title card saying, "Sorry, we ran out of money and can't finish the picture. Go away."

But the worst movie I've ever seen was 2001: A Space Odyssey. Remember everything I said in The Movie Review Thread about movies being faithful to the book? Well, this one is the exception that tests the rule. For the unaware, the screenplay and the book were written simultaneously, with feedback in both directions. This, combined with the fact that Stanley Kubrick wrote (Arthur Clarke wrote the book), directed, and produced the movie, (meaning there was no one in a position to tell him what he was doing wrong) created a major flaw.

The book is written in third-person omniscient. It has to be--the first part features characters who can't communicate, the middle is all about characters keeping secrets from one another, and the last part is just the one guy, with no one for him to talk to. So Clarke fills in key details in narration. Kubrick uses no narration and leaves you to guess at what the plot points are. You're supposed to infer it all from the action, which you can't do unless you already know the plot or are conversant with an awful lot of scientific theory. Here's a list of things I didn't understand until I read the book:[spoiler]The monolith was an alien artifact which trained the apes to use tools.
It's the same monolith on the moon, but not on Japetus/orbiting Jupiter.
The US government is still hopelessly inept and always engaging in cover-ups in 2001.
The whole Moon plague thing was one of those cover-ups.
Hal went crazy because of a programming flaw caused by the contradiction of orders.
Dave goes through the Star Gate and becomes the Star Baby.[/spoiler]
I still don't know what the hell the deal was with the broken glass.

Also, Kubrick described it as "the proverbial good science-fiction movie," implying that all others were bad (which may be true). So he went out of his way to avoid bad science, and instead got bad cinema. Instead of having some kind of artificial gravity on the ship, there's the scene with the stewardess in velcro boots walking around the big circle. But it takes forever and it's boring. And when an explosion happens, we don't hear anything because it's in space and sound can't travel in a vacuum. But it just looks stupid to see massive movement and dead silence. The only time you should completely shut off the sound in a movie is if Sailor Saturn shows up. ^_^

The sequel, 2010, had a real director instead of an auteur and was pretty good. But 2001 was 139 minutes of my life I can't get back.
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Fri Jun 18, 2004 10:21 am

Well, I liked both the 2001 book and movie myself (have also seen 2010 and read 3001) but to each their own.

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS
Here is quite possibly the weirdest Christmas movie ever. Basically Mars' kids (all two of them) have become hypnotized by Earth's TV broadcasts, and are becoming rather depressed. The reason? Mars has never had Christmas, and the kids themselves have never experienced true childhood. So now the kids are rebelling. So the Martian leaders set out to kidnap Santa and two earth kids, and having Christmas on Mars. Now the Martians have funny helmets which would apparently make them walking encyclopaedias by the time they grow up. Even so, they still have conflicting opinions, and are therefore opposed by Voldar, who wishes to return Mars to its old warlike ways. Apart from being bizarre ("Mrs Claus has definitely identified the kidnappers as Martians!") and no-budget (the Martian guns are Wham-O air blasters), this is actually one decent kids flick, about on par with something you'll see done by a theatre group at around that time of year.

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
This, on the other hand, is two hours of absolute TORTURE with only one real bright point. Basically Chewie's family are waiting for him to return to Koshyyyk to celebrate Life Day. So while all our favourites do appear (although Mark Hamill may throw you for a bit), what we really end up enduring is a lot of roaring, with some celebrity appearances and a lot of unfunny comic relief. And then, right at the end, we have the ceremony, where everyone goes just to hear Carrie Fisher's singing voice. Or at least they try to--said voice is pretty much nonexistant. The sole bright spot is a cartoon which served as the introduction to Boba Fett. I got the cartoon separate then ditched the rest of it.
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Post by Umino » Fri Jun 18, 2004 11:56 am

Freddy Got Fingered.

All it was is some sick shit trying to be funny. And guess what? It failed.

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Post by RoastedTwinkies » Fri Jun 18, 2004 1:27 pm

I also think the Scary Movies were stupid. I thought the first and second ones were stupid, which is why I didn't rush out to see the third one. As well, I think Jackass the movie was stupid, so I'm pretty sure the TV show is pretty stupid too. (We only have the basic cable package, so we don't get MTV, but it is offered to Canada via the digital cable package) That type of humor just doesn't appeal to me.

EDIT: O/T I just noticed that the word stupid must be my word of the day^^ end O/T

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Post by Sailor Wind » Sat Jun 19, 2004 9:47 pm

I find programs like jackass, scary movies, american pie and dirty sanchez very funny with the crazy and weird actions that they do on the shows/movies. But i suppose different people have different tastes for hilarious situations so i suppose these sorts of comedys aren't sort of your thing. I agree about the Jackass: the movie being created though, I thought that they took the program a little bit too far and should of just sticked to staying as a show rather than being made as a movie too.

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Post by KoiNoVash » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:25 pm

The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
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Post by Tiff » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:30 pm

KoiNoVash wrote:Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
....Dare I ask what discovering the woman in themselves entailed?

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Post by ParaKiss_Groupie » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:38 pm

Tiff wrote:
KoiNoVash wrote:Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
....Dare I ask what discovering the woman in themselves entailed?
"Cause I just discovered
Imagination taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand..."

Touch Of My Hand, by Britney Spears. ~_^

Seriously, though, I think the movie's more of a "coming of age" story rather than a " 'coming' of age" story. Granted, I refuse to see it, so I may be wrong.

That song is about what you're thinking, though.
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Post by Tiff » Sat Jun 19, 2004 11:40 pm

ParaKiss_Groupie wrote:
"Cause I just discovered
Imagination taking over
Another day without a lover
The more I come to understand
The touch of my hand..."

Touch Of My Hand, by Britney Spears. ~_^

Seriously, though, I think the movie's more of a "coming of age" story rather than a " 'coming' of age" story. Granted, I refuse to see it, so I may be wrong.

That song is about what you're thinking, though.
.....

Oh. My.

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Post by ShanSunflower » Sun Jun 20, 2004 8:05 am

Anyone see Kazaam? It was funny because it was such a mistake of a movie ^_^.

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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:24 pm

KoiNoVash wrote:The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
Actually, they were going off to open a box they had buried...weren't they?
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Post by Tiff » Sun Jun 20, 2004 11:35 pm

Jusenkyo no Pikachu wrote:
KoiNoVash wrote:The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
Actually, they were going off to open a box they had buried...weren't they?
You mean like a time capsule? That sounds like it would have made a bit more sense.

Joey: The question is, Rachel, does he like you? ''Cuz if he doesn''t, then it''s all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh...a...moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It''''s like a cow''s opinion. It doesn''t matter....It''s moo.
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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Mon Jun 21, 2004 3:24 am

Tiff wrote:
Jusenkyo no Pikachu wrote:
KoiNoVash wrote:The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
Actually, they were going off to open a box they had buried...weren't they?
You mean like a time capsule? That sounds like it would have made a bit more sense.
And not only is it bad, but the title sequence is one of the worst ideas for a title sequence ever. Surely there could have been something a little better than white titles on a black background?

Pi "...ugh...My Girl titles 2004" ka
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Post by KoiNoVash » Tue Jun 22, 2004 6:00 pm

Jusenkyo no Pikachu wrote:
KoiNoVash wrote:The absolute worst movie I think I have ever watched would be Crossroads: I watched this because my fellow employees at blockbuster all said that I would laugh my ass off because it was so horrible. And I did. The movie was just awful and I wonder how desperate Dan Akeroid is for money since he played Britney's dad. Basically the plot is Britney and her friends going off to California in search of various things (mom, boyfriend, fame) and "discover the woman in themselves" along the way. Ugh. What a waste of one of my weekley rentals.
Actually, they were going off to open a box they had buried...weren't they?
Actually they opened it in the beginning and it inspired them to go on their roadtrip together.
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