Arranged Marriages

AnimatedEvey12 · Post by **AnimatedEvey12** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 8:29 pm

So what are your views on arranged marriages?

I for one am not for arranged marriages. I know this one girl at my school whose parents are arranging her marriage. She says that she really doesn't like it and she wishes that she had a say in it.

jupiter23 · Post by **jupiter23** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 9:14 pm

She does have a say in it. This is the United States of America, and I'm assuming that your friend is the same age as you. She doesn't have to get married to anyone if she doesn't want to. When she turns 18, she can move out and won't have to listen to her parents anymore. They can't legally force her into a marriage, and there aren't very many members of the clergy anymore who will perform a marriage if both parties are not consenting to it of their own free will.

That being said, there's my view of arranged marriages. I don't think they ever really were right, even centuries ago when they were regularly in practice. Women are no longer property, therefore you cannot really force one into a marriage.

AnimatedEvey12 · Post by **AnimatedEvey12** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 9:42 pm

I think that's what exactly she's going to do, she planning to go out of state for college.

I agree that woman are no longer property, unfortunately that view of women are property still exists in some parts of the world. I did a presentation on the topic of marriage dowries and bride price. It's a dumb idea to continue a tradition that does this.

Post by **Tiff** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:24 pm

AnimatedEvey12 wrote: It's a dumb idea to continue a tradition that does this.

It is not dumb to a person who may practice such a thing in their culture and be okay with it.

It's one thing to force an unwilling party into a marriage. But it's another if both the man and woman are willing and perfectly okay witha rranged marriages. A lot of cultures/religions are like this. It isn't always the case of some poor woman being treated like cattle and forced down the aisle to marry some monster. Sometimes, the marriage is arranged from birth, and throughout growth the two interact and become close friends, thus creating a relationship in the process.

In Japan, many young men and women were sent to what was called a go-between, where they could meet one-another and their families could pick out mates. They had opportunities to talk and become attracted to one another, but yet the marriage was still arranged in a sense that the families met up, discussed dowries and arrangements, and then decided the two should marry. A lot of times, the couples liked eachother, and despite the fact that it was arranged, there was love and respect there.

Don't judge an entire cultural practice based on a few bad apples.

AnimatedEvey12 · Post by **AnimatedEvey12** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:43 pm

I see what you mean, what I was trying to say is from an unwilling perspective, because I know some people are still okay with arranged marriages but there are some others who disagree with it. I do know that in some cases they do have the people meet and sometimes the marriage is arranged before the kids are even born. But in the case of my friend's, she will possibly not know much about the husband her parents choose for her.

Jusenkyo no Pikachu · Post by **Jusenkyo no Pikachu** » Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:01 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59Hj7bp38f8

That's all I can think of when I see the thread.

sailor_moon_R · Post by **sailor_moon_R** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:01 am

I for one really disagree with them. Marriage should be when a man and a woman choose to get married because they love each other. No one should be forced to marry a complete stranger. Even though it is the person's culture, it is not a really good tradition, in my opinion. Why don't we all marry people we don't even know? If these people don't even know each other when they get married, will they not like to stay with each other and end up getting a divorce? That is my question.

Sailormars Obsessed fan · Post by **Sailormars Obsessed fan** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:53 am

Its where Marriage came from. It was originally a political thing.

But in this day and age it is really outdated and in America it isnt really illegal, but its not enforcable either. If I was her I would in the nicest way possible tall my parents where they can stick it.

On the aspect of it being a cultural thing I am of the belief that culture is not a blanket defense. After all some ancient southamerican tribes practiced infantacide as a cultural practice. They would kill babies and then skin then and use the skin as a "coat" for other babies. It was some religious thing. I'm sorry but saying that is a cultural thing doesnt make it any less evil. I feel the same way about arranged marriage.

edit: I do agree with Tiff on the go-between's and the willing arranged marriages though. Having both parties being willing does make it more fair.

Post by **Tiff** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:42 pm

sailor_moon_R wrote:I for one really disagree with them. Marriage should be when a man and a woman choose to get married because they love each other. No one should be forced to marry a complete stranger. Even though it is the person's culture, it is not a really good tradition, in my opinion. Why don't we all marry people we don't even know? If these people don't even know each other when they get married, will they not like to stay with each other and end up getting a divorce? That is my question.

And it's okay to have that opinion. But keep in mind that people within those cultures disagree with you. There are some women who may be excited that they're finally going to marry their arranged husband.

And who defines "knowing" someone? Seriously, what is the defining line of whether you truly "know" someone or not?

My aunt and uncle dated for two weeks before they got married. They've been together ever since and have a daughter in her late twenties. They still love eachother to this day. How is this any different than a man and a woman who have been arranged, get to interact for a few weeks, and decide they're good for eachother?

I met my husband here on SMU. We were friends for 5 years. Five solid years, he was my best friend. We only "dated" for about a month, and got married and had our son. And yet, when I announced my engagement to him, some people gave me negative feedback, claiming I didn't truly "know him" because we hadn't "dated" long enough. So...knowing someone for 5 years as a friend isn't good enough simply because we didn't go through the formal motions of dating long enough?

Do you see my point? It's all relative. It's not about what you might think is an appropriate amoutn of time for knowing and loving someone...it's about what the invidividuals themselves want and think. If two people are all about arranged marriage, hell, I say go for it. Their likelihood of divorce is probably a lot less than two people who go through the stages of puppy love and lust, get married on a whim, and then decide they made a huge mistake.

Senshi_of_Vision · Post by **Senshi_of_Vision** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:21 pm

Exactly Tiff, I was with my ex for 4 years before we married, 6 years later I found out very disturbing things that if I had known I probably wouldnt have married him. Including a hidden criminal record and jail stay. Now im sure if I had been in slueth mode I could have found that stuff out but when your in love you dont think about stuff like that. Marriage is special I agree with that, the whole man and woman thing meh im still rooting for some of my gay friends to experience the same torture..er joy I did ^_^.

But seriously arranged or not some cultures still practice this and as long as its agreed upon by all involved I dont get up in arms. Sure growing up in America seeing stuff like that makes us do a double take now. But it was like that hear back in colonial and pre colonial times as well. It took alot of fighting for rights for people to be able to choose their own mates. Women have alot more ease here then they do in many other places and Im glad. But thats just in the last century. Heck 40 years ago if you were interacial and tried to marry here you could be arrested in some states so I hope the people who are against this realize how lucky they truly are to be in this day and age where you can decide who you want to marry. It definately was not always this way.

Rin · Post by **Rin** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:08 pm

I would have to say that the divorce arguement does not have much ground considering that her in America the divorce rate is quite high for people who "choose" who they want to marry.

I once talked to a couple from India who were arranged and they thought that our way of marriage was very shallow and is very selfish. So there's another perspective on our view of marriage.

And I once heard a quote from a Hindu video that went something like this.

"People from western cultures marry the person they love, people from India love the person they marry."

Aishiteru · Post by **Aishiteru** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:36 pm

Jusenkyo no Pikachu wrote:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59Hj7bp38f8

That's all I can think of when I see the thread.

I <3<3<3<3 that show!

ahem...anyway... I personaly wouldn't participate in an arranged marriage, but I can understand why someone would. Does that make sense? I'm a hopeless romantic and the idea of my parents picking my spouse just kinda scares me (especially when I think of the kind of man my poppi would pick for me).

Post by **Tiff** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:38 pm

Rin wrote:I would have to say that the divorce arguement does not have much ground considering that her in America the divorce rate is quite high for people who "choose" who they want to marry.

o_O then my argument makes sense. I stated that the divorce rate of a couple who chooses to marry who they want out of lust and puppy love/"love at first sight" is probably more likely to end in divorce than an arranged one. How does that make the divorce argument have no ground? *confused*

I once talked to a couple from India who were arranged and they thought that our way of marriage was very shallow and is very selfish. So there's another perspective on our view of marriage.

And I once heard a quote from a Hindu video that went something like this.

"People from western cultures marry the person they love, people from India love the person they marry."

*Nods* And I can see why they'd think that. Just look at our track record.

Rin · Post by **Rin** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:12 pm

Oh I was just saying about people who claim that arranged marriages are likely to end in divorce. I mean, many marriages that are not arranged also end in divorce. I mean how high is the US divorce rate?

I just don't think that when you argue against arranged marriages, you can't just throw in, "well since the couple doesn't know each other, they will probably get a divorce anyway."

Post by **Tiff** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:57 pm

Rin wrote:Oh I was just saying about people who claim that arranged marriages are likely to end in divorce. I mean, many marriages that are not arranged also end in divorce. I mean how high is the US divorce rate?

I just don't think that when you argue against arranged marriages, you can't just throw in, "well since the couple doesn't know each other, they will probably get a divorce anyway."

Ooh okay, I gotcha.

AnimatedEvey12 · Post by **AnimatedEvey12** » Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:56 pm

I think the US divorce rate is a little over 50%, so I have heard.

Jusenkyo no Pikachu · Post by **Jusenkyo no Pikachu** » Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:23 am

Just to further appease Aishiteru (and contribute to my views on this subject simultaneously):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0

Iced_Cappucino · Post by **Iced_Cappucino** » Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:28 pm

I don't know, after some of the arguments here I'm a little torn between what I thought before and what I think now. If both couples are OK with the marriage then there's no problem but in some cultures, mainly Muslim cultures (and I'm not trying to generalize here) the women are generally unhappy and are often beaten or in some cases killed for defying their parents wishes of an arranged marriage.

Post by **Tiff** » Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:56 pm

Iced_Cappucino wrote:I don't know, after some of the arguments here I'm a little torn between what I thought before and what I think now. If both couples are OK with the marriage then there's no problem but in some cultures, mainly Muslim cultures (and I'm not trying to generalize here) the women are generally unhappy and are often beaten or in some cases killed for defying their parents wishes of an arranged marriage.

Well, yes. Any person who is forced into any potentially harmful situation unwillingly should be able to break free no questions asked.

AnimatedEvey12 · Post by **AnimatedEvey12** » Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:25 pm

Iced_Cappucino wrote:I don't know, after some of the arguments here I'm a little torn between what I thought before and what I think now. If both couples are OK with the marriage then there's no problem but in some cultures, mainly Muslim cultures (and I'm not trying to generalize here) the women are generally unhappy and are often beaten or in some cases killed for defying their parents wishes of an arranged marriage.

I agree, after reading some responses, I see that if the couple are in agreement and are not forced then its ok. What you just mentioned about the beatings, I think in some cases that's called an honor killing. Sometimes, in those cultures, if women are acussed of having pre-marital sex they can get killed.