Share your Best Jokes!

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Mad Hatteress Belial
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Share your Best Jokes!

Post by Mad Hatteress Belial » Sun Aug 06, 2006 7:39 am

Any time you hear a joke that you thought was either witty or funny, feel free to post it here! I don't know how dirty jokes will be viewed, so maybe it's best to stray away from them, or make sure there's a warning about the content. Here's one I just saw:

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
STAGE OUT!!!

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Post by SeiUsa » Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:31 pm

Well, this one might offend anyone who likes President Bush, but I found it funny. Don't read any further if you dislike President Bush jokes:

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead
the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, either."
The Facts of the Animal Kingdom:
"Zebras can bite."
"Snakes say sss."
"Lions chase people."
And of course…”Tigers bite you.”
--From Tiffu’s Pre-K students. =D
And one from me...Leopards are gorgeous.

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Post by peachvampiress » Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:36 pm

I heard that before Bush was elected when it was about Clinton. Still funny though, and the great thing is that it can work for any government official XD

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One's plastic and hazardous to children, the other carries food.

*crickets*

>_> I've got good jokes, just give me time to pick out the appropriate ones.
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Post by Cardcaptor Takato » Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:14 pm

Can we include puns too? This is the only good one that I have right now.

So, this guy submits ten puns to his newspaper's local pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun intendid.
"If we can''t comprehend the plan at hand, how could a higher plan make any more sense? I'd say you can only be a martyr if you know what you are dying for, and choose it"-Elphaba

"Those who made mistakes blame themselves and close their hearts. It's impossible to fix a mistake. Man can't return to the past. That's why we drink. Drunks, lushes, sliding alcohol down their throats to dilute the memories that can't be denied.-Vash The Stampede"

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Post by Panda » Tue Aug 08, 2006 3:48 pm

Catholic joke. Don't read if you don't likey...


Ok, so a Protestant man dies and is talking to God in heaven. God asks

"What religon are you?" the man replies sayign he's protestant and God says,
"Okay, go to the 12th door but be quiet when you pass by the 4th."

Awhile later another man comes to heaven. God asks,

"What religon are you?" the man replies saying he's Jewish and God says,
"Okay go to the 9th door but be quiet when you pass by the 4th."

Later, a 3rd man comes to heaven and God again asks what religon he is. The man replies saying he's baptist. God directs him to the 7th door, and tells him to be quiet when passing by the 4th. The man is about to go his appointed door but stops and asks,

"Wait, why do I need to be quiet when I pass by the 4th?"
And God replied,
"That's the Catholics door, they think they're the only ones up here."







I have more... written somewhere. I'll be back. :)

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Post by the*blue*girl » Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:39 pm

lmao, that was good ^^

ok, a dumb blond joke. don't take offense, blond people.

a blond was at a job interview. the interviewer asks,"how tall are you?" the blnd pulls out measuring tape from her purse, measures herself, and says "5ft 3" the interviewer, surprised that she didn't know how tall she was, decides to try an easier question. "ok, how old are you?" he asks. the blond thinks, pulls out her drivers liscence, looks at it, and says, "25". the interviewer, now really shocked, decides to ask her a question that she'll definately know the answer to. "whats your name?" the blond, looking confused, bobs her head back and forth while mouthing something for a few seconds before answering "mandy." the interviewer asks, "uh miss? what were you doing just a second ago?" "oh," the blond answers, "i was going through that song. you know, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear mandy..."

''Frustration is the byproduct of success.''- said by our instructor Jason in an attempt to motivate us

You`ll say, Don`t fear your dreams, it`s easier than it seems
You`ll say you`d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can`t afford to lie

- Fiona Apple, Never is a Promise

Jason: Stop talking, put your clothes on, and go home.
Us:(in a perfect chorus) .... THAT''S WHAT HE SAID!
Jason: ...-_- I quit.



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Post by Cardcaptor Takato » Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:06 pm

How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?


Nun.


How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

One but it takes five episodes to do it.
"If we can''t comprehend the plan at hand, how could a higher plan make any more sense? I'd say you can only be a martyr if you know what you are dying for, and choose it"-Elphaba

"Those who made mistakes blame themselves and close their hearts. It's impossible to fix a mistake. Man can't return to the past. That's why we drink. Drunks, lushes, sliding alcohol down their throats to dilute the memories that can't be denied.-Vash The Stampede"

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Post by Mad Hatteress Belial » Fri Aug 11, 2006 9:22 am

Here's another Bush joke I really like:

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
STAGE OUT!!!

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Post by Musashi » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:14 am

What? No guitar? :P

Seriously, though- that's hillarious. xD;;

Joke, joke...

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Subordinate clauses!

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Post by Mad Hatteress Belial » Fri Aug 11, 2006 10:37 am

As much as I hate Bush, I think I'd better share a different type of joke to prove I'm not a terrorist:

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well. I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
STAGE OUT!!!

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Post by SeiUsa » Fri Aug 11, 2006 8:07 pm

Another blonde joke...


Two male bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I ! WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.
The Facts of the Animal Kingdom:
"Zebras can bite."
"Snakes say sss."
"Lions chase people."
And of course…”Tigers bite you.”
--From Tiffu’s Pre-K students. =D
And one from me...Leopards are gorgeous.

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Post by heartlessarchangel » Fri Aug 11, 2006 8:33 pm

A string walks into a bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, “There are no strings allowed in here!”

So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays himself at the ends.

Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, “Weren’t you just the string that walked in here?”

“No,” he says, “I’m a frayed knot!”

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

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Post by Jusenkyo no Pikachu » Fri Sep 08, 2006 4:28 am

Cardcaptor Takato wrote:Can we include puns too? This is the only good one that I have right now.

So, this guy submits ten puns to his newspaper's local pun contest, hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately, no pun intendid.
A magician walks down the street and turns into a shop.

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

“I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.”

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
"That new girl? She seems kinda weird to me. And what kind of name is Buffy anyway?"
"Hey, Aphrodisia!"
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